I surrendered my heart to Christ in March/April of my senior year of High School. Since then I have been made into a completely different person, and God still continues to work in me. God genuinely has shown me so much over the past few months and I have not even scratched the surface of all the things I need to learn.
One of my biggest struggles my entire life has been my anxiety. There have been so many years of my life that I spent completely imprisoned by it. I had anxiety about everything. Money, friends, family, my worth…my mind was a constant source of worry. This did not only hurt my emotional and social states, but also my physical. I have health problems to this day that doctors attributed to my anxiety.
I am not saying this to say that I have completely overcome my anxiety. I haven’t. I am getting there though. Before I would have anxiety attacks so often, I couldn’t sleep, it was a mess. Now they are a rare occurrence that I can overcome with the help of Jesus and a few bible verses. But, that is not the reason I chose to disclose any of this information. I want to talk about how easily the enemy can take that anxiety and use it to his advantage.
When I first began this journey with God I noticed something very strange. See, I was SO worried about His will. I HAD to do His will. His will was not a source of comfort, but of more anxiety. Spoiler alert; That is not what God intends for us. I searched for His will so hard for so long. If I didn’t have the answers I was run with fear. What if I am out of God’s plan? What if God isn’t speaking to me because I am doing something wrong? Then, if He finally gave me an answer and I didn’t like it, I would get anxiety about that too.
I am in no way saying that we should not search for God’s will. We should. I am merely addressing an issue that I truly believe more people have had. Recently, God made something very clear to me. “Danielle, my will is perfect but it won’t always keep you from pain.” Well, yeah. I know that, God. But, I didn’t. After a long journey of God trying to get this through my head I finally understood where all of my anxiety about His plan came from. Where did it come from? Oh, that’s simple. It came from my anxiety.
Yes, I understand what I just said. My anxiety came from my anxiety. Let me explain, see, I did not want God’s will because I loved Him. I did not want it because I wanted to glorify and honor Him. I wanted it so that I could avoid PAIN. So that I wouldn’t have anything to be anxious about. This, in itself, became a major source of anxiety. The problem with this is that, as He said, His will does not always keep us from pain. We will all face trials. My head knew that. My heart did not.
In Romans 10:9 the bible says that “if you declare with your mouth ‘Jesus is Lord’ and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved” I think that sometimes you can know something in your head and not actually believe it in your heart. I have noticed many instances like that with myself. For example, I can tell myself that I am worth it but if I do not genuinely believe that I will continue to act out in insecurity. Your actions show your heart.
“I just don’t want to get hurt”. I can not express how many times those words left my lips during prayer. I was using God’s will as a desperate attempt to keep myself from getting hurt. Even though the bible says that we will all face trials, my heart expected a painless life for following Jesus. I expected a reward, as if I deserved one, as if Jesus didn’t already die on the cross so that I COULD follow God’s will.
God has been drilling one thing into my mind recently. It is not about me. In fact, I even wrote a post a while back with that very title. I loved it, but it was one of those things that felt unfinished every single time I began to work on it so I never posted it. I finally understand why. That message was for me. God was trying to tell me that I am not meant to follow His will for myself, as much as He loves me, but for Him. That, my friends, is what I am now working on.